Have you ever wondered why certain other people seem to you to be so confident, personable and successful! They seem to receive an inordinate share of attention, approval and love. Some of them are beautiful, some are not; some are easy going, some are not. You may even wonder what secret they have for life.
It may even bother you as to why some people are preferred to others. We all want to be “liked,” “loved”, but what is it that gets others to like and love you? It has to do with your very own self – how you appear to others and what effort you put into being the person you are and letting that charismatic part of you be expressed. A little voice inside of you may well be saying, “but I don’t have that kind of personality,” or “I am a shy person and I can’t change what I am.” That is true, you are what you are. This is not about changing the “you” that you are but rather about imagining and practicing and moving yourself into a new expanded charismatic self. People are always amazed to find that they can change what they think they are “stuck with.” Being “boring” is not like having blue eyes. It is learned, not genetically determined.
The discovery of your charisma begins with “garbage removal,” clearing away the psychological and physical blocks that prevent you from using this part of you. It means stretching out of your “comfort zone.” Anytime we make changes, we feel uncomfortable.
We are secure in familiarity. Take a moment and ask yourself: What gives your life meaning? Allow yourself to feel. Acknowledge your feelings by going deeply into yourself. This is a powerful precondition to becoming the director and creator of your life. From this experience, if you are totally honest with yourself, you will have a better understanding of yourself. Very often in life, we have done what we believed others wanted us to do or what others expected of us. Expressing your feelings not only eases emotional pain, it enhances feelings of innate self-worth.
If you can’t immediately imagine being confident, charismatic or having any of the qualities you’d like to have, remember that it takes time and a lot of patience with yourself. There is no “quick fix” and using patience will give you the necessary detachment to face your “worst” feelings about yourself. To be charismatic, you must give yourself permission not only to know what you really feel but to express your inner thoughts openly.
One key to making changes is to avoid putting yourself down. You can make the changes to become the person you would like to be or have the qualities you so admire in others. Most people suffer from occasional nagging doubt and negative self-talk such as: “They will resent it if I act sure of myself,” or, “I’m not as good as……”. Change your thinking to “I am a worthy person” and “I choose to be in control of my life”. When you start saying these positive affirmations over and over, you will start to feel confident and eventually, you will feel at ease and happy.
To keep this sense of being, you must play protector of your own mind and feelings. Protect yourself from negative thoughts by being aware of your own obstacles and roadblocks that could prevent you from accomplishing this “new self.” You will then have the necessary tools to cope with challenges and problems that will inevitably come your way.
Knowing what your hidden self-put-downs are can save you from sabotaging yourself. Think back to your childhood and remember who was the most critical person in your life. What were the verbal and non-verbal messages that you received from this person about what you were or should be or do? You may not even be aware that you have negative beliefs about yourself, but when you’re in a new or challenging situation, they may show up when you least expect them. Recognizing this will prevent them from taking over. Put-downs, messages of doubt, and self-hate prevent you from using your true gift – your charisma.
It is practically impossible to achieve your positive and confident self when an inner voice tells you that you’re really going to mess up. Your nonverbal signals will be in conflict with your verbal ones and very important for you to know – it is the nonverbal signals that will be believed. You may find you talk too much or too little, or you laugh inappropriately. The nonverbal signs will betray you because you are feeling uncomfortable. Your inner critical voice is not the voice of truth, it simply delivers old messages. Once you realize that this is as a consequence of messages received as a child, you will see that it is possible to acknowledge your own true self. That is the beginning of growth!
Don’t set yourself up for failure by making unrealistic demands on yourself when you are making changes. Remember that no-one is perfect. Admit to yourself that you are not perfect. Perfection is not only unlikely, it’s unreal! Most people have been programmed to believe that success is perfection – it is not.
Understand that being charismatic is feeling confident, at ease, alive and in joyful communication with the world. It is something that each and every one of us has a right to have and to feel! Life will seem full of wonderful possibilities. Your charisma will emerge like a butterfly from its cocoon – full of hope and expectancy as to what life has to offer! Then other people will be looking at you and wondering what it is exactly that makes you so confident, personable and successful!
Judi Moreo is an author, speaker, and life coach. She has written 11 books including “You Are More Than Enough: Every Woman’s Guide to Purpose, Passion, and Power.” Judi can be reached at judimoreo@yahoo.com
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